Shamleless Plug

I'm embarking on a new part of my life that is happier and going in a direction! It's really refreshing.

I was married May 19th, 2012 to a great guy I met at the C.I.A and we're go excited to embark on a life together. He has as culinary degree to match my baking and pastry degree. It's going to be a Good life.

I hope you enjoy my thoughts on food and cooking. I am but a humble baker, who happens to love cooking and embraces the joy of food.


Monday, December 17, 2007

Long Delay in Posts

I haven't written in such a long time! I've been busy with school. Things are going rather well. I only have one class project I really dislike, but aside from that, and any math class I have this term, I'm aiming to do well this term. I'm writing for the paper a lot, and my grades last term are GREAT! Nothing less than an A- for ANY of my classes! Wow, I was surprised! I worked and studied hard last term, but I'm just surprised that I actually did well and the work paid off nicely.

I'm looking forward to my short break this week. It will be so nice to be home, even though I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping, which I'll get to once I get back. I'll try, but most likely will not be doing much work on break; I've been keeping up with what I must get done so that I wont be behind this term.

I'm sad to be leaving in a few months, but I'm trying to focus on what is happening now than when I will be leaving. I've spent three years here, and it's my second home, I'm so sad to leave it behind me and barge in on adulthood. But I wont think of that right now.

It's been snowing a lot here! It was great until the snow was no longer playable. School closed early Thursday, which was nice, I got a break from Accounting, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen again.

I know no one really reads it, but it would be nice if people did. I'm really trying to hone my writing skills, I want this to be my life...food writing, at least. I guess I haven't written for awhile not only because I'm in class the entire day 3/4ths of my week, but I'm just a little mentally tired and don't have much to say.....I'll try harder though, I'd love to embrace this again!

I'll try to write more later on this week, perhaps while I'm cleaning my room before break.

Monday, December 3, 2007

My top five.

I’m now a senior. Officially. This is an odd feeling. A senior. In college. I’m overwhelmed with so many feelings: worry of the workload, excitement of my new status, reluctanance of graduation, sadness that my college career is quickly coming to an end. I’m being pulled in so many directions. I don’t want to burn out or have some sort of emotional melt down. So I’ve made a crucial decision. Since I am a senior, there are things I may have to cut back on or cut out of my life all together, and I’ll have to wait and see how well this works.
I’ve decided not to deal with some things this term: pettiness; I don’t have time for it. Fifteen minutes into my first class on my first day of 9th term and we already have an extensive term-long project. I don’t have time for immaturity or petty people. Either don’t carp or stop talking to me.
I’m not going to let myself fall victim to procrastination. I have time, and yet so little time. I forecast whatever time I have off on Thursdays and Fridays will soon be packed with day-long pilgrimages to the library. But hey, I’m a senior. I had expected an easy senior year, but my Professor made a valid point: We’re seniors; we ought to expect work as well as a lot out of us in our final term here. He’s right, you know. If I had no work to do and was lazy for a few months, I’d feel I didn’t do anything worthwhile. If I put a lot into my term and my classes, I can say how hard I worked and make me feel that I’d earned my degree.
I need to give up bad habits. I’m really not on the internet much anymore, but I think I need to cut that out much more. If I’m going to be using the internet, I’ve decided it must be for something worthwhile: writing, research, news, checking email. If I want to use it for down-time purposes, I have to be doing or have done something productive. Let’s see how long that lasts.
I need to get more involved. I did really well 7th term, but 8th term, even though classes weren’t hectic, left me with this odd tiredness. I’ll do my best to get more involved.

I need to write for the paper more, and will probably get on that once I am done with this. I must go to career services and speak to them about my career choice, as I am most likely a big fish in a small pond; no one seems to want to do food writing after they graduate, which gives me a strong advantage and a disadvantage.

I’m sure there are more, but those are the top five. There are going to be two terribly busy days, and it would behoove me to manage my time wisely all week long.


I have so much to do, but such little time. This will be one stellar term.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

9th Term, and Disengaging.

I really don’t know what will happen in 9th term. My schedule is NUTS! Three classes, from 8am-6:15+ pm every Monday, and classes from 8am-9:30 pm on Wednesdays . The rest of my week is blessedly not as heavy. I hear the first part of the term is calm and slow, but suddenly, in amazing synchronization, every class has a need to assign projects, papers, and exams. Wonderful. I think I’ll be okay. It’s just going to take a lot of work. Oi vey. This term honestly wasn’t that bad. It went by so quickly. Oh. Right. Spanish sucked. How soon we forget. But hey, that’s all over now.
As hectic as my schedule feels at the moment, I kind of like it. So I’ll be running around like mad for two days. I’ll have the rest of the week to study and catch up on everyone.
It’s my own doing, really. I failed accounting 7th term, and had to retake it halfway through 8th term, and opted out of Finance so I might get a hold on Accounting first….So, now my schedule is swamped, but it would have been this term anyway. It wouldn’t have done too much for my schedule anyway.
Wow, I’m done in a few months. What can I do to get as much as I can out of this school? Holy goodness. I suddenly feel very tense. I’m going to have to get my career together, keep grades up (I must say I think I did very well this term), and get the most out of my school. I’m going to be busy. Spanish is the only problem I foresee at the moment, but we shall see. I’m suddenly very tired. I just want Monday off! I would really love not to have class on Monday. I just finished a nutty few weeks. And now we begin again? Goodness. I’m hoping to avoid a burnout. What do I want for Christmas? The ability to not burnout or have a meltdown.
My plan to avoid that is sleep, working out, and lots of green tea. I think the green tea is more psychological more than anything else, if I believe it will help me, it probably will. It's better than coffee when I have a class that ends at 9:30, 9 on lucky days.


I wont mind being busy. It makes me feel like a college student. I admit I feel a little dorky sitting in my room all day. I really should write more, but I don't think there is anything worth writing about here. I feel unmotivated, lazy, tired, moody at times. I want to disengage. There are times when I just want to disengage from everything that's giving me issues that are superfluous. But how? I don't have time to arduously worry over petty little things. Oh, pettiness. When am I going to learn that you just aren't worth the trouble? You aren't. I'm irritated by your hold on me vicariously through other people. I'm too old for this. I hate pettiness and petty people. People who pick at little things, past things, current things, belaboring the point, always carping. Oh well, sooner or later I'll figure it out. 9th term will be sufficiently distracting. Bring it on.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Rain Puddles

I reached sight distance of the main doors of the student rec center and became excited. It was teeming rain.
I delightedly pushed through the doors and into he cold, hard rain. I love walking in the rain. When I was younger I loved to take my little umbrella and run around barefoot in the rain, splashing in puddles and getting the ends of my little play dress soaked.
I walked through the rain now, my face exposed and titled slightly to the drops. It was wet and freezing. I savored it.
My hooded sweatshirt was slowly getting damp. My hair was getting damp. I didn’t care, I would probably be going to be in a shower within 20 minutes of walking into my door anyway. Reaching around the corner of the Rec center, I saw a puddle and stepped into it without another thought. Wow, that was deeper than I expected. My socks are wet and cold. I didn’t mind. I kept walking, up the hill, the rain creating a shimmering slight puddle as it rain down the hill, the same way oil looks as it is heated in a skillet.
I splashed in various puddles as I walked, relishing the splash and the cold water. I shivered a little, as bits of the rain turned into ice. I didn’t care. I still love the rain. I didn’t care if I looked “foolish” to others. No one was around anyway. How many times in my life can I splash around in puddles? My whole life, probably. But I haven’t done this in years. My hair and clothes were becoming more damp. I still didn’t care. I never get to splash around in puddles here. I’m perpetually in business casual, I’m almost never in normal clothing, especially when it rains. I took advantage. As I reach the front door of my lodge, I notice the rain begin to slow, as if there was no reason to teem now that someone wont be enjoying it (wouldn’t it be great to believe in things like that again?).
Now I sit here, cold and slightly damp, waiting to take a shower. I miss loving the rain like that.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Newsies.

I just want to sit here and not verbalize. Today has been one of those days where I don’t feel like speaking or socializing with anyone. But on the inside, I’m jumpy, energetic, a weird teeny-bopper feeling rising inside of me. Yesterday out of curiosity, I began to try and track down an old love of mine: Newsies. The movie is roughly 15 years old now, and it’s a lament to think of those young guys all grown up with different lives, but it’s still nice to know that they are doing well. It’s so sad to see so many dozens of the old Newsie sites closed, no longer updated, or evaporated altogether. I have found two that have updated recently, and it made me excited. The teenager in me being prodded awake with news of some actors, where they are, what they are doing, one even has his own comedy site. That’s exciting. I feel like a dork. The inner teenager in me is freaking out, and I don’t know why. Growing up I’ve always rolled my eyes and laughed at girls who really DID obsess over things, screaming ,crying, going NUTS over people like boy bands, movies, actors. I was quietly “obsessed“. I would giggle and ooh and aah over my favorite things. Newsies is an excellent example of that..sort of. I first discovered it from an old friend in the late 1990’s. (wow…..I can’t believe I just typed that...wasn’t it JUST 1999?) When I was with her watching it, I was as giggly and school girl as they come(dare I say I was young back then?) . But away from her, and around others, I kept quiet and limited it to surfing the net and reading stuff about Newsies (Ha, I think I just admitted how much of a loser I was in Middle School, but you already knew I was :) ). Jeeze. That was a very long time ago.

I miss that! Oh, Newsies. I feel like a dork. I really do. These poor guys forever remembered for this movie. I know that a few embrace it and don’t mind the fans, and others look at it in a more sarcastic light…That’s a lie. I really don’t know how any of them feel about it. But I’m sure they look back on it as a good experience and are amused by these teenagers and 20-30 some things who still remember their characters.

I can’t believe I’m blogging about Newsies. I have officially reached the Pinnacle (I had to Thesaurus that. ”Zenith” would have been cool, too.) Here I am, blogging in my dorm room about a movie that was made in 1992 that has a cult following. Oh well. I’ve lost my Newsies DVD. I enjoy the extra behind the scenes things more than the movie. If you’re going to “obsess” over something, it may as well be real people….that was a little stalkery.

This blog took an odd turn. I just marvel at how much time has gone by since the movie and how some of the actors grew and went in different directions and are doing bigger things with the movies or have opted to change and have a quieter life out of the public eye. Either way, I hope everyone is happy. I hope they aren’t irritated by Newsie fans and want nothing to do with the movie (that would be sad.)

I really wish this wasn’t such an odd blogpost. I’m really trying to blog more so it can suck less. As quiet as I may be sometimes, such as now, I’m teeming with thoughts. Oi vey. As loser as this sounds, it’s easier to communicate here. I don’t feel stupid or wrong. I feel heard and expressive, and its’ a nice change.

Anyway, before this takes another turn, I’ll just let this wind down. Thanks for sticking with me through this entire bizarre post, and if you didn’t, I’d insert something witty, but you wouldn’t be here to read it. =)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Angry and Bitter

I was thinking about submitting this to my school paper as an editorial-esque piece, but I think it is as bitter as the people whom I am addressing. I am posting it here instead, in hopes someone might read it.

We all hear it. We’re all guilty of it at times, some more than others. Everyday I hear bitter and angry complaints about how the school is run. It’s getting a little tiresome. No school is perfect. I implore you to find a school with no problems and where everyone is happy. I’m not going to lie and pretend nothing is wrong with this school. I admit I get annoyed and irritated at certain departments.. But I still love where I am. I am loyal to my school. If you’re the kind of person who is bitter, unhappy and angrily rips the school apart with resentful complaints, you should find another school. You’re only making other people unhappy as well. You pay so much to go here, if you are angry about where you are, it makes sense to change it. Or take charge, don’t sit around attacking the school, change it, get involved.

So many people I know don’t want to be here, who are only here to “tough out” the last two terms. If you are going to do that, it is your choice. If you are going to complain, do so constructively. Don’t believe the rumors, get the facts from the right source. Believe it or not, there are people here to want to help us and improve our time here. You just need to go out and find them: have meetings with the right Dean, go to Student Government. Get involved. Sitting around with friends and a beer complaining isn’t going to change anything. You deserve to be happy with your education, and if you aren’t happy here and can accept that no one and no school is perfect, then maybe you should rethink your options.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Unmotivated

I feel so unmotivated at the moment. I don’t want to study for my Human Resource Management final, or tweak the project. I sure don’t want to study for Accounting, or work on my final paper for History. Any writing that should be done for Food Writing is done. Spanish I’m saving when I have this much time tomorrow afternoon….I have an hour or so to kill before I’m off to Apple Pie to grab something for dinner, and then going to Accounting.
So with this un-motivation, I feel the need to be productive, so I’m writing. Anything. This is where the slight randomness comes out.
What I want to do right now is eat the entire bag of chocolate Smores in my room, top it off with some snickers, a cheese burger and curly fries. But not really. Why do I feel so lazy right now? It’s only Tuesday, I didn’t go to the gym today, I slept well and got a lot of things done lately. I guess I’m a little lethargic because I just got back on my Concerta. I admit it, I take Concerta. Another drugged American. I haven’t been tricked into believing I need it all the time, but I think it’s largely a good idea: it controls impulses (like stopping me from eating said bag of candy), gets me through accounting without going out of my mind, and usually “evens me out”. I don’t know…sometimes it works great, other times I’m just fine without it. I went without it for a week and it didn’t do too much damage. We’ll see what happens.

It’s about 4:30 at the moment…..I know I should be productive, seizing my college education, embracing everything the school has to offer…what’s wrong with us? I won’t get into a thing about college students, I could go on for a long time about that and only get irritated.

I’m so lethargic. This isn’t like me. I’m usually up at 7am, at the gym or catching up on work, awake and full of energy throughout the day. I want to blame a lot of things: the weather, carbs, sugar, being back on my medication. I’m lethargic, but I don’t want to sleep; just sit quietly in my own thoughts and my room, killing time before the day can end. How can people live like this and like it? I overhear people in the halls, “I woke up at 3, got out of bed at 4 and got dressed at 5.” What kind of life is that? I feel like my day is wasted if I wake up past ten on a weekend.
I love waking up so “Early”, I catch Good Morning America, go workout (where I can accomplish two things at once: knocking out 6 miles before 8am and catch up on reading), shower, work. Time slows down a bit in the morning, where as you wake up at ten, need to dress, go to lunch and then to class all in three hours. Waking up at 7 allows for so much time. I love the quiet, the time, not wasting my morning.

I can’t imagine how so many students I know go to bed at 3 am and sleep till noon or later. It seems so pathetic. Embracing your college life ISN’T binge drinking, saying out till four am and barely scraping by in class. The fact that they’re PROUD of that fact….anyway, this blog certainly took an odd turn…

I’m feeling a bit more motivated now, maybe I’ll give studying a shot.

Monday, November 12, 2007

In Line

I’m standing in line for the Apple Pie Bakery Café, line out the door, writing in my notebook…more like scribbling. I planned on making a salad at the Rec Center “Café’s” “salad bar”. But the salad bar looked abysmal. Wilted, lacking any vibrancy or decent protein, so I came here. *sigh* Oh well…..guess I can chill at the library before my group meeting…no, I can’t do that, I still have to print out all my work. The walk will do me good anyway. This is NUTS! I just want a salad and stuffed pretzel. Why is the line not moving? Ugh and oi. Ah, finally, now I’m INSIDE the café. I hope what I’d like is still here when I get there…reaching the end of my page, so I guess I’ll type this up later.

Spanish

Spanish has become a difficult class for me. I used to be pretty good at it, but now with a new professor and chapters becoming more complex, I find myself falling behind. Our new professor is a wee bit difficult. She will speak only in Spanish, giving me about a 20% coherency in class. The teaching style is difficult. I miss the days when I really knew Spanish, I still swing a 90 or better on quizzes, but only because I study so hard before it, and what I “learn” doesn’t last longer then the quiz.

We were all understandingly frustrated when all this went down….the professor and the Dean made things difficult…they didn’t understand about the long break, or even reviewing, just staying TO THE SYLLABUS!! God forbid we go away from that for the sake of reviewing….So we got frustrated, angry, and things were rowdy for a little while, but I understand, who wouldn’t? But things have settled down fairly well since. But rumor has it there is some letter circulating around with a dean about how “bad” the class is, or something like that. I never really thought the rowdiness was so bad that someone had to write a letter. I guess they were, in retrospect, but things are better now. Since middle school, I’ve trained myself to ignore the background noise and focus on the lesson as much as possible.
I just miss my professor and my grasp on the language.

On Belonging

I love to cook and bake….But sometimes I feel I don’t belong. I have weak and poor fine motor skills, so it’s hard for me to ice cakes, pipe, cut perfectly….it interferes with baking and pastries. So I avoid it. I probably couldn’t get a job at a bakery doing more than baking bread or frying donuts…so do I belong here? I love what I do, what I can do at least. I love baking and pastry….but not enough to work holidays and 14 hour days. I don’t feel my degree or time here has been wasted, not even a little…I think I’m going to do well in a food magazine, a test kitchen, something with regular hours.
I don’t know how chefs can work so many damn hours…there’s so much burnout and turnover in this industry. Things that was once a fueled passion sparks into bitterness. I’ve come across that in my life with ex-bosses, and they were certain to make my life as miserable as theirs appeared to be. I don’t want to be that guy, the one that is angry, bitter, tired. I want to be happy, successful, challenged, and love my career. I can’t do that working 6 days a week, 2 am to 4 pm. That’s not the life I’m meant to lead. I think I’m meant for more than rolls and crap donuts in some little town. That’s great for a little while, but I want more.
I’m trying to get into the food writing sector. It’s hard to get into, but I’m doing my best to write for the school paper, blog frequently and do all I can in my Food writing class. I can’t wait to break into a magazine and get my career on track. It will take a few years and so much hard work, but eventually I’ll be in a dream job…I am still searching for my dream job, discovering exactly what part of food writing I want to do, but when I find it, I’ll know. I’ll feel it, the belonging, the love and loyalty for it. Whatever magazine it is, and whatever track it is, I’ll know and feel it.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Health, revisited

I sat down on the comfortable stationary bike at the gym this morning and people observed: three girls furiously moving their legs on the Elliptical machines, people lifting weights, but the girls caught my attention. How quickly they moved, almost aggressively, as if weight loss depended on their lives. They weren’t heavy girls, but they worked out so hard. This got me thinking about my weight, and how it fluctuates so often. It made me think of how the world works and how we kill ourselves at the gym and restrict what we eat, just to loose a few pounds. I don’t know why I put in so many miles on the bikes, even when I burn so few calories. I’d like to be happy with my weight, my body, and my looks, but years of ridicule about my looks still scar me. I want to feel pretty, slim and good about myself, but I guess I’m still a bit paranoid. I’m genuinely shocked when people talk to me just to talk to me. I’m suspicious, wondering what cruel ulterior motive they have in store. I’m back in middle school again, when cruel people didn’t talk to me, they mocked me, teased me, ripped me apart. When people include me in things, I wonder if it’s because they want to or if they are taking pity on the weird girl. I need to get over that, but I have no idea how to go about it. I’m digressing again….

Anyway, back to weight. At breakfast I jealously watched my boyfriend make his Eggs-in-basket using a little of the bacon fat, and then topping the eggs off with cheese. I only use cheese on my food when I can taste it, if I can’t, it makes the calorie and fat worthless. I wanted to put cheese on my egg sandwich, but it was either cheese on my eggs, or cheese with my baked potato (and broccoli) tonight. I opted for the potato.

People find eating right so hard, turning to ridiculous weight loss books with bizarre restrictions….You don’t need that to loose weight…why are so many people who aren’t even at an unhealthy weight so crazed and desperate to shed pounds? It’s so depressing what the media and Hollywood and fashion has done to us. It’s appalling, really. If you are at an unhealthy weight, then loose it. If you are at a “normal” weight, then eat in moderation and be active. But above all, love your body and love it as your own. Wanting other people’s bodies isn’t going to make you any happier.
I need to take my own advice…I know it’s a hard thing to follow, but we all need to accept ourselves, our flaws and everything. We are a depressed nation hell bent on weight loss…and at the same time, large cheap portions…..the best you can do is be smart and happy and accepting…so what if I’m 5 pounds heavier than I’d like? I look fine, am healthy and a relatively good person, I should be lucky to be even that. That 5 pound weight loss wont make me happy. Why am I so hard on myself? We’re always harder on ourselves than we are on others…(usually). All you can do is do your best, and you may falter sometimes, but you just got to keep going. No matter what it is. Life isn’t about how much you weigh, it’s about what you do with it.

On Being A Lady

Growing up, my grandma Horne always told me to act like a lady: stand up straight, sit up straight, be polite, respectful, speak properly and dress appropriately . Until I was 12, I was mistaken for a boy so many times I’m a little surprised I haven’t ended up with some sort of identity crisis. I always felt if I didn’t look like a girl to people, I ought to act like a lady, to show people that I was a girl. Acting like a lady has always stuck with me. I like being lady-like. I don’t think running around in tiny skirts, half shirts and full drunk is becoming of me.
Being a lady should be something every woman should strive for. My generation is so….corrupted. I think I belong to another decade. I don’t like where the generation or the one after me is heading. But I wont get into that or I will get angry. Girls in my generation have three earrings, tattoos, wear reveling clothing, smoke, drunk, do drugs and act crudely, and “uninhibited” (meaning they like to flaunt their bodies). They try to pass it off as being “Fun and free!” Give me a break. I was raised better than that and if I ever have a daughter she will, too.
I don’t see why people are so rude and disrespectful. I’m appalled at the very idea of talking back to my parents, or being rude or disrespectful to a teacher. The very idea!

….I’m such a nerd. Teacher’s pet. Momma’s girl. I don’t care. If being a good person and acting like a lady makes me those things, I don’t care. People who treat people rudely, and act the way I mentioned above don’t have much respect for themselves. How do I expect people to treat others well when they don’t treat themselves well? You can’t.
I wish people were happier with themselves. If the media wasn’t so horrible and harsh we may have more ladies and gentlemen. Parents need to raise the kids right, too. My mother and family raised me to respect people older than me, be polite and to listen, behave. I think it has made me a little neurotic, but respectful. I’d rather be on the touch of the neurotic side than unladylike.

I have no idea how to end this, and I’ve been picking at this for awhile, starting and editing, so maybe I’ll just let it alone to stew in my mind, and come back to it later…blogs are a lot harder than one would think!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Health

I like to think I’m in relatively good heath: I don’t eat a lot of fats, sugars, candy, fried food, processed crap, I don’t drink a lot of alcohol(or do drugs, stay out late, sleep in, either!); I may SHARE one beer or a glass of wine with my boyfriend about once a month or less….I really should work out more and eat more fruits and vegetables …but I drink only water, green tea and lowfat milk….oh, and I might share a soda with my boyfriend every now and then. I think that’s pretty reasonably healthy…..

I had a cold recently and lost 4-5 pounds, allegedly. That was exciting. But I’ve gained two back and am now annoyed at myself. All those delicious pumpkin muffins catching up to me. I’m not overweight by much, maybe 1-5 pounds, my BMI is in the middle of the healthy range, so why am I worrying about my weight? My health is important to me, I have NF (still need to do that blog) and that causes a lot of problems, none of which have sprung up with me as of yet, but I’m trying to keep myself in good health to impede what complications I can. I’d like to loose another 5 pounds, and it’s hard! The gym calorie counts are ineffective, you know? You work out for a while on a bike, or a treadmill, and you get a calorie count? Those are horribly incarcerate. I’ve since switched to mile count…today I did over 6.5 miles at the gym on a bike.I’m hoping to drop some weight soon…I’m already cutting back on the few little luxuraries of food I allow myself from time to time: cheese, sauces, white rice, flat breads, the occasional fun size snickers or starbursts…..hopefully that’ll drop my weight…and drinking a ton of green tea…. I’d love to loose 5 pounds, but I know it wont make me “happy” just more chilled out about my weight and my confidence.
Health and weight loss are two different things, at least for me. You can loose weight in unhealthy ways, and still be unhealthy, or you can be healthful: be active, eat right, sleep well, and weight will come off naturally….I’m trying for that way.

With Thanksgiving coming the pressure to loose weight is on….I don’t eat much at Thanksgiving. I sample everything fatty in moderation, pile on the veggies and lean turkey,…I enjoy without gorging, but I still like that few pound weight loss to buffer in case I “go to town” on Spinach dip. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving and yet I am uneasy about it….don’t know why though….

I’m looking forward to being home and cooking and baking, seeing old friends and spending the holiday with my family and boyfriend….can’t wait to see what this holiday will bring. Untill then, I’m trying hard to stay healthy and save up all that fat and calories for all the things I want to eat when I am home.

No idea

Getting out of my head isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I’m still in it, all the time. There’s so much I want to say here, express. But it’s hard. I have no idea how to articulate, or connect the thoughts logically. What makes sense to me, things that connect in my mind, make no sense to other people. Right now I want to talk about things like lyrics, my day, lunch and weirdness, but I don’t know how to make them flow and connect. I guess I’ll just go ahead, screw the rules and go for it.

“I don't care what you might think about me, you'll get by without me if you want” is a lyric from Jason Mraz’s “Geek In The Pink.” Gotta love Jason Mraz. I don’t care what people think about me, most of the time. I want to be liked, semi-popular, socialish, happy. But I’m too weird, awkward and dorky.

A classmate told me yesterday “You aren’t weird, you’re Jenni” and I took it as a compliment: I’m neither weird nor normal, I’m somewhere in the middle, and I appreciated that. I want to be that happy medium. I like my weird, disconnected thoughts, my tendency to giggle and find odd things amusing, my beliefs and values. I’m odd, but I like that. I like that I don’t drink coffee because I don’t need it. I can wake up at 7 am, crawl out of bed and be fully awake within 15 minutes, caffeine free. I love that. Early to bed, early to rise.
There are things I hate about myself, of course. I hate that I talk so fast and get so nervous and suspicious of people. I hate that I’m bitterly unhappy sometimes and have such ca short fuse sometimes. I hate that I don’t work out more, eat more fruits and vegetables…but that’s a new blog for later….. No one is perfect though. I have so many flaws and faults, but who doesn’t?

What else am I supposed to say? I need to blog and write more, but my creative side is either not there or lacking severely. I don’t have anything worthwhile to say. I want to be a writer, I want to work in a magazine, but I don’t think I’m good enough. I feel so terribly average sometimes. Where am I supposed to go from here? From school? Onwards to life? I want to be happy, successful, have a great career that will challenge me, help me grow and take me places, but I just don’t know how to get there. I feel so terribly unmotivated sometimes. I hope that we all feel that way, and I’m just human, but what about all those students and people who work so damn hard? They work themselves all day and night, full time student and full time jobbers. I could never do that….maybe I ought to stop before I depress myself.

I’ll have to work harder on these blogs, I’ll love to make this a more normal thing.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Middle School.

I haven't done anything here in awhile. I started this with so much excitement of writing my thoughts down everyday, putting use to my drifting thoughts. I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. An old friend from middle school recently friended me on a social site (facebook) and it's gotten me thinking.
Middle school was a horrific time, I'm not going to lie to you. I think that there are still memories that have yet to resurface. But who didn’t have a bad middle school experience? The “cool” kids, that’s who. I am actually a little proud, now, at least, to say I was the least popular kid in my grade. Middle school, ha! I laugh now, that I cared what people thought of me back then. Awkward, poofy short hair, in the midst of puberty. I was the poster child of Awkward. I knew at the time Middle school would pass, that I would soon be accepted and excel at college, I just needed to make it through these tough years. Kids were cruel, stalking, teasing, pulling hair and relentlessly torturing me. Middle school boiled to such a bad point I had high blood pressure and had to take sleeping pills to combat the stress that kept me up nights. But that’s okay. They got to me then, what child wouldn’t let that get to them. But now, I look back, and recognize that middle school is a crap time for 65% of those in it. I got through it, and while the social scarring still runs pretty deep, I’m okay. I’m in the college I’ve wanted to go to since I was nine, I’m slowly getting my career started, my awkwardness is limited to sociality, I grew into myself.

Back then, I knew this would happen, it was just a matter of time….I think that’s when I started living in my head. I needed an escape from the reality of my life. I need at some point in my life I’d be here: some close friends, a relationship, success, and growth.
Screw all you people who made my life hell, your insecurities must have been worse than mine if you had such a need to torture others.

Anyway, high school was so much better. An all girl’s high school might make you think things would be the same, but the girls were relatively accepting of me. Girls were cliquey, but never cruel. Friends and I may joke about our high school classmates, teachers, school and the nuns, but I can’t deny that no one was ever that cruel. A school full of girls can merit some cattiness, but nothing like Middle School. At least no repressed memories have come out as of yet to suggest otherwise.
So life only went up from middle school. Look at me now, bitches!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Fractions, and other Math Inconveniences

"1 2/3 cups sugar" Why can't I figure out how to half that and be totally sure? Is it 3/4ths? I don't know. I'm terrible a fractions, which is embarrassing, because I go to the Culinary Institute of America and have a Baking and Pastry degree. I can't add up well in my head. I have issues addding up numbers in my head when I play rummy, or money, or other things. It's terribly embarassing and inconvenient. It's frustrating. I never gained a strong ability in math.My grade school's strategy in math was this weird concept of bouncing children from one math ability to another every few weeks, regardless of if they gained a strong grasp or not. So I went from classroom to classroom, struggling to grasp and keep up, barely passing each class, no time to let things sink into my head. It's been following me my whole life. When I learn a new concept in a math class and can barely be able to carry it out, old things learned before fade away. I really hate it.
I failed accounting last term. So did about 15 other students with the same professor. I think I have a shot at passing this time around. Or so I hope. How in the world am I going to get through life with the mathematic capabilities of a child? I'll figure it out. There's always something you are not going to be good at, and you have to accept that, and do the best you can at it, I'd delve further into that concept, but that's another blog.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Pretending

I’m great at pretending. We all are. We smile, are polite and professional, never saying how we really feel. When people ask us how we are, we smile and claim we are fine. When we work with others, we are friendly and flexible. We are respectful and polite. I’m really good at all that. Why do we conform to this? Why is it so socially unacceptable to express our feelings? As young children, we throw tantrums, shaking our fists, screaming, crying, expressing our anger in such ways it expends all our angry energy. Now we bottle up our anger, agitation, sadness, until it bursts and is unleashed in unhealthy, unproductive ways. I’d like to throw a tantrum sometimes. I want to stop my feet, shake my fists, pout and be angry. My inner child throws her inner tantrums, and sits, pouting with her arms crossed. But I’m not allowed to be angry. I try to find more constructive ways to get angry feelings out: I work out. But it doesn’t work. I’m still cranky. It’s a bad cycle. I can’t break myself out of it. I’m stuck in the swirl of it. Augh, I just don’t know when my emotions took such a strong hold on my life. I’m stuck with pretending until I can find a way out.

Awkward.

I’m awkward. Aren’t we all a little awkward? My clumsy way of speaking and acting around others is halting, driving me to live in my thoughts, to be quiet and exempt from the sociality of the world. I’m different in my mind: I’m lively, talkative, able to express my thoughts clear, I’m happy in my mind. I drift in and out of lectures, wrapped up warmly and comfortably with the thoughts I let float like clouds, without any direction.

But I wish I wasn’t so awkward. I wish I could be the person I am in my thoughts. The me in my mind is happy, or at least more able to express her feelings. I’m coherent, understood. I write because when I do, I become the person trapped in my head. Writing becomes an extension of myself. I express, I can verbalize, articulate exactly what I need to say. You would never hear me say the words I type in the ways I can write them. It’s just too difficult. I’m okay with that. Somehow, I’d rather be socially awkward, unpopular, and unhappy at times and be able to express very single thought clear on paper, then be popular and average.

I love to write. I’m constantly in my head, thinking lines that would develop into articles, blogs, ideas. I find myself scribbling down lines furiously in the margins of my lecture notes, desperate to hang on to that great sentence. I don’t just love to write, I need to. Writing is the only way I can make people understand me. I’m desperate to be understood and I feel this is the only way I can.
I think people who can speak slowly, and be understood, people who are popular and have large circle of friends, take all this for granted. I struggle to speak. I shake when I speak to someone, my words fumble together and I cringe, embarrassed and ashamed, feeling like a child. I feel stuck inside myself. I’m dying to get out, break free of my disorder (I have NF, but that’s another blog) and express myself. But, as I said, if this is the only way I can get through, to make myself heard, then so be it.

I don’t know how much this will be read, if at all, but that’s okay. I’m happy to type my feelings as a way to get my feelings out. I have mood problems, it’s hard for me to control them and communicate them. What happened to me? I was easy going, happy, energetic, hyper, the little things about my disorder never really getting to me. Now I’m quiet, moody that is punctured occasionally with bouts of the above emotions. Hopefully, eventually, things will be different. Until then, I try hard to control my emotions, be happier, and work hard at making myself better. I guess I don’t mind being awkward much afterall.