Shamleless Plug

I'm embarking on a new part of my life that is happier and going in a direction! It's really refreshing.

I was married May 19th, 2012 to a great guy I met at the C.I.A and we're go excited to embark on a life together. He has as culinary degree to match my baking and pastry degree. It's going to be a Good life.

I hope you enjoy my thoughts on food and cooking. I am but a humble baker, who happens to love cooking and embraces the joy of food.


Friday, October 26, 2007

Awkward.

I’m awkward. Aren’t we all a little awkward? My clumsy way of speaking and acting around others is halting, driving me to live in my thoughts, to be quiet and exempt from the sociality of the world. I’m different in my mind: I’m lively, talkative, able to express my thoughts clear, I’m happy in my mind. I drift in and out of lectures, wrapped up warmly and comfortably with the thoughts I let float like clouds, without any direction.

But I wish I wasn’t so awkward. I wish I could be the person I am in my thoughts. The me in my mind is happy, or at least more able to express her feelings. I’m coherent, understood. I write because when I do, I become the person trapped in my head. Writing becomes an extension of myself. I express, I can verbalize, articulate exactly what I need to say. You would never hear me say the words I type in the ways I can write them. It’s just too difficult. I’m okay with that. Somehow, I’d rather be socially awkward, unpopular, and unhappy at times and be able to express very single thought clear on paper, then be popular and average.

I love to write. I’m constantly in my head, thinking lines that would develop into articles, blogs, ideas. I find myself scribbling down lines furiously in the margins of my lecture notes, desperate to hang on to that great sentence. I don’t just love to write, I need to. Writing is the only way I can make people understand me. I’m desperate to be understood and I feel this is the only way I can.
I think people who can speak slowly, and be understood, people who are popular and have large circle of friends, take all this for granted. I struggle to speak. I shake when I speak to someone, my words fumble together and I cringe, embarrassed and ashamed, feeling like a child. I feel stuck inside myself. I’m dying to get out, break free of my disorder (I have NF, but that’s another blog) and express myself. But, as I said, if this is the only way I can get through, to make myself heard, then so be it.

I don’t know how much this will be read, if at all, but that’s okay. I’m happy to type my feelings as a way to get my feelings out. I have mood problems, it’s hard for me to control them and communicate them. What happened to me? I was easy going, happy, energetic, hyper, the little things about my disorder never really getting to me. Now I’m quiet, moody that is punctured occasionally with bouts of the above emotions. Hopefully, eventually, things will be different. Until then, I try hard to control my emotions, be happier, and work hard at making myself better. I guess I don’t mind being awkward much afterall.

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