Shamleless Plug

I'm embarking on a new part of my life that is happier and going in a direction! It's really refreshing.

I was married May 19th, 2012 to a great guy I met at the C.I.A and we're go excited to embark on a life together. He has as culinary degree to match my baking and pastry degree. It's going to be a Good life.

I hope you enjoy my thoughts on food and cooking. I am but a humble baker, who happens to love cooking and embraces the joy of food.


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Fractions, and other Math Inconveniences

"1 2/3 cups sugar" Why can't I figure out how to half that and be totally sure? Is it 3/4ths? I don't know. I'm terrible a fractions, which is embarrassing, because I go to the Culinary Institute of America and have a Baking and Pastry degree. I can't add up well in my head. I have issues addding up numbers in my head when I play rummy, or money, or other things. It's terribly embarassing and inconvenient. It's frustrating. I never gained a strong ability in math.My grade school's strategy in math was this weird concept of bouncing children from one math ability to another every few weeks, regardless of if they gained a strong grasp or not. So I went from classroom to classroom, struggling to grasp and keep up, barely passing each class, no time to let things sink into my head. It's been following me my whole life. When I learn a new concept in a math class and can barely be able to carry it out, old things learned before fade away. I really hate it.
I failed accounting last term. So did about 15 other students with the same professor. I think I have a shot at passing this time around. Or so I hope. How in the world am I going to get through life with the mathematic capabilities of a child? I'll figure it out. There's always something you are not going to be good at, and you have to accept that, and do the best you can at it, I'd delve further into that concept, but that's another blog.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Pretending

I’m great at pretending. We all are. We smile, are polite and professional, never saying how we really feel. When people ask us how we are, we smile and claim we are fine. When we work with others, we are friendly and flexible. We are respectful and polite. I’m really good at all that. Why do we conform to this? Why is it so socially unacceptable to express our feelings? As young children, we throw tantrums, shaking our fists, screaming, crying, expressing our anger in such ways it expends all our angry energy. Now we bottle up our anger, agitation, sadness, until it bursts and is unleashed in unhealthy, unproductive ways. I’d like to throw a tantrum sometimes. I want to stop my feet, shake my fists, pout and be angry. My inner child throws her inner tantrums, and sits, pouting with her arms crossed. But I’m not allowed to be angry. I try to find more constructive ways to get angry feelings out: I work out. But it doesn’t work. I’m still cranky. It’s a bad cycle. I can’t break myself out of it. I’m stuck in the swirl of it. Augh, I just don’t know when my emotions took such a strong hold on my life. I’m stuck with pretending until I can find a way out.

Awkward.

I’m awkward. Aren’t we all a little awkward? My clumsy way of speaking and acting around others is halting, driving me to live in my thoughts, to be quiet and exempt from the sociality of the world. I’m different in my mind: I’m lively, talkative, able to express my thoughts clear, I’m happy in my mind. I drift in and out of lectures, wrapped up warmly and comfortably with the thoughts I let float like clouds, without any direction.

But I wish I wasn’t so awkward. I wish I could be the person I am in my thoughts. The me in my mind is happy, or at least more able to express her feelings. I’m coherent, understood. I write because when I do, I become the person trapped in my head. Writing becomes an extension of myself. I express, I can verbalize, articulate exactly what I need to say. You would never hear me say the words I type in the ways I can write them. It’s just too difficult. I’m okay with that. Somehow, I’d rather be socially awkward, unpopular, and unhappy at times and be able to express very single thought clear on paper, then be popular and average.

I love to write. I’m constantly in my head, thinking lines that would develop into articles, blogs, ideas. I find myself scribbling down lines furiously in the margins of my lecture notes, desperate to hang on to that great sentence. I don’t just love to write, I need to. Writing is the only way I can make people understand me. I’m desperate to be understood and I feel this is the only way I can.
I think people who can speak slowly, and be understood, people who are popular and have large circle of friends, take all this for granted. I struggle to speak. I shake when I speak to someone, my words fumble together and I cringe, embarrassed and ashamed, feeling like a child. I feel stuck inside myself. I’m dying to get out, break free of my disorder (I have NF, but that’s another blog) and express myself. But, as I said, if this is the only way I can get through, to make myself heard, then so be it.

I don’t know how much this will be read, if at all, but that’s okay. I’m happy to type my feelings as a way to get my feelings out. I have mood problems, it’s hard for me to control them and communicate them. What happened to me? I was easy going, happy, energetic, hyper, the little things about my disorder never really getting to me. Now I’m quiet, moody that is punctured occasionally with bouts of the above emotions. Hopefully, eventually, things will be different. Until then, I try hard to control my emotions, be happier, and work hard at making myself better. I guess I don’t mind being awkward much afterall.