I wonder what kind of person I am sometimes, how I’m viewed. Scolding thoughts pop into my head sometimes: “Be nice. Be patient. Don’t be moody. Think before you speak.” I try hard to be nice, polite, friendly, helpful, anything I can be, but I don’t know if I come off that way.
I know I’m misunderstood. So I try extra hard to censor myself. Most people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so I get looks that make me feel like a bad person. I censor myself so I wont be misunderstood….but it happens anyway. Damn. I’m so quiet but I have so much going on. I guess I’m scared of being misunderstood, laughed at, teased, thought stupid because I speak so fast.
So I’m stuck here, in my head, on paper, on a blog. Mute, wanting to be heard, but unsure if I even will be.
Maybe I’m better off quiet and eccentric. I’m so stuck. I’m so quiet. I see people in all these little groups, chatting before class and during breaks. I observe quietly, deciding whether or not to be jealous. I don’t feel left out, but when I’m spoken to it means a lot to me. When people are friendly to me and including, I’m surprised.
I’m still suspicious though. Years of poor intentioned peers have taught me that much. I always feel people are nice to me out of pity, humoring me. Pretending. You know how people are always super nice to those with noticeable mental disabilities? That’s how I feel sometimes.
I’m suspicious, untrusting at times…though I try to be as outgoing as I can, I still feel like I can’t really put full trust into others until I know them well enough. I’m unsure weather or not I should try and be apart of conversations. You’d think being seniors in college would get some maturity into you. But there are still the girls who are stuck in high school and give you strange looks for being the slightest bit different. It makes me crazy. Grow up, people!
I feel quiet and lethargic today. I don’t want to do anything but sit quietly and write…maybe watch tv. I write this while waiting for a group presentation to come together…I’ve been waiting over an hour…I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t know if my teammate has my phone number, but we did say downstairs…..I’m worried I got the time wrong.
I’m in another fog. This happens when I’m in my head all day and don’t really talk. I get so deep inside that it’s hard to get myself out. I can’t shake it. It makes me a little cranky and short, but I can’t really help it.
I’m so lethargic I’m sorry to say I don’t think I want to continue writing this post. But it feels nice to get all these words down. Watch, I’m tired now, but come and I’ll be wide awake.