I wonder how long I will last at home. This is my second full day home (by myself- being here with the boyfriend doesn't count as much), and I'm just wondering how long I'll last. I think I'll go crazy trying to fill the time as I've had. That, and as much as I love my family, I think they'll drive me crazy sooner or later. I've just spent my time cleaning, organizing, unpacking, doing laundry and other wonderful moving activities. My days are quiet, and I'm worried about job hunting and money. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day on resumes and getting in touch with people who can help me find a job. In the meantime I need to learn how to be a better writer. Stronger, at least. I'm reading these food magazines and the writers are fantastic. Strong words, great descriptions, so eloquent. I'm so envious. I want so badly to be that kind of writer. When I write I feel flustered at times, eager to get everything out while it's still in my mind, just like when I talk. I'm not good at focusing at little details- like how the minced garlic and crushed pepper looks on a steak, or the intricate design on a dessert, the smell of the potatoes. I'm so bad at that- how am I going to be a good food writer if I'm so bad at details?
Confidence, Jenni, they'll never hire you if they read stuff like that- I think to myself. One look at this post and they wouldn't read past this sentence. But hang on! I do feel like I have something to offer. Writing is my outlet, and I obsess over every last word I write when it's most important. Blog posts are a way for me to chit-chat, in the real situations, I'm infatuated with tweaking and moving things around. I always feel like I can make things stronger and more....I've been trying to find the right word and I can't find it. I want people to read what I write and know exactly what I mean, how something felt, tasted, or smelled. I love thesauruses. I was introduced to them by my Speech therapist in grade school, circa the 5th grade, and I've been in love ever since.
I ought to listen to more classical music- get my mind working. Silly as this sounds, I've recently discovered Haydn on “Nintendogs” on Nintendo DS on my computer, and the song was Symphony No. 94 in G major, "Surprise", and the dog kept getting startled on the loud beat, but I really like the song. But it's not for me, unless I know each note, I know Haydn would make me paranoid- waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for a balloon being filled with helium to pop. I'm listening to it now, and my shoulders are hunched up, and I'm just waiting for the loud note to startle me. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZJDWh9F3Vig
I need to be less random in my writing. My mind is going from one place to another, the connections making perfect sense and flow in my mind, but to others it isn't as clear. I either have to make thing flow better or stop doing it altogether. But I like my writing. But I need to learn how to conform to what my potential employer would like, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get a job, within legal reason, of course.
As I always say, “We'll see what happens.”
PS. Now that I think about it, I'm a bit like Haydn, his compositions often had twists and an odd flow to them to keep people engaged in them, he had a good sense of musical humor, as far as my untrained ear can hear (as well as what I read). So perhaps there is hope for me yet.