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I wonder what kind of person I am sometimes, how I’m viewed. Scolding thoughts pop into my head sometimes: “Be nice. Be patient. Don’t be moody. Think before you speak.” I try hard to be nice, polite, friendly, helpful, anything I can be, but I don’t know if I come off that way.

I know I’m misunderstood. So I try extra hard to censor myself. Most people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so I get looks that make me feel like a bad person. I censor myself so I wont be misunderstood….but it happens anyway. Damn. I’m so quiet but I have so much going on. I guess I’m scared of being misunderstood, laughed at, teased, thought stupid because I speak so fast.

So I’m stuck here, in my head, on paper, on a blog. Mute, wanting to be heard, but unsure if I even will be.

Maybe I’m better off quiet and eccentric. I’m so stuck. I’m so quiet. I see people in all these little groups, chatting before class and during breaks. I observe quietly, deciding whether or not to be jealous. I don’t feel left out, but when I’m spoken to it means a lot to me. When people are friendly to me and including, I’m surprised.

I’m still suspicious though. Years of poor intentioned peers have taught me that much. I always feel people are nice to me out of pity, humoring me. Pretending. You know how people are always super nice to those with noticeable mental disabilities? That’s how I feel sometimes.

I’m suspicious, untrusting at times…though I try to be as outgoing as I can, I still feel like I can’t really put full trust into others until I know them well enough. I’m unsure weather or not I should try and be apart of conversations. You’d think being seniors in college would get some maturity into you. But there are still the girls who are stuck in high school and give you strange looks for being the slightest bit different. It makes me crazy. Grow up, people!

I feel quiet and lethargic today. I don’t want to do anything but sit quietly and write…maybe watch tv. I write this while waiting for a group presentation to come together…I’ve been waiting over an hour…I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t know if my teammate has my phone number, but we did say 7pm downstairs…..I’m worried I got the time wrong.

I’m in another fog. This happens when I’m in my head all day and don’t really talk. I get so deep inside that it’s hard to get myself out. I can’t shake it. It makes me a little cranky and short, but I can’t really help it.

I’m so lethargic I’m sorry to say I don’t think I want to continue writing this post. But it feels nice to get all these words down. Watch, I’m tired now, but come 11pm and I’ll be wide awake.

Opals, Luck and Leadership

I have about 20 minutes before running down to lunch so I’m typing up another writing from my notebook, this time from Finance. This writing was done on the same day as “My Finance Teacher is a Liar”

“I wear my opals when I need luck, and while I’m worried to type this and jinxing it, it seems to work every time. I’ve worn them to exams, presentations and long days when I need some luck to plow through it. I’m worried I may wear the luck out.

I read somewhere that opals bring bad luck to those who wear them and are not born in October, so I imagined that they would perhaps increase the luck of those who were born in October. I got my opals- a necklace and earrings, on my birthday. I consider them lucky because I honestly would have liked opals for my birthday, especially since my ears were newly pierced. I don’t think I mentioned it to anyone, so I was so surprised when I not only received them ,but they were exactly how I’d like them to look.

I don’t know why I’m talking about opals. I’m trying out an exercise writers constantly use: picking a topic or whatever comes to mind and just writing about it. I like it, it’s fun, makes you think, and more importantly, preserves my sanity during these arduous three hour classes.”

I do not want to go to my three hour Leadership class today, but I know I must. I need to pick up the DVD that I’m going to use for my presentation next week to select a clip. The point of the presentation (that everyone has to do) is to find a particular movie from her list and answer questions about what it has to do with leadership. I chose “The Dead Poet’s Society” A movie I would really like if I could get past the abrupt, open-questioned ending. That and why the father didn’t get blamed for the son’s death...damn that makes me mad. I hate when movies end so unjustly...so I can’t get past that. But we’ll see what clip I plan on doing.
Trust me, I wouldn’t be going to this class otherwise.
The professor is nice, don’t get me wrong. It’s the students. They are so rude! And we have to sit through 3 or more mediocre projects each class! So many of which were probably slapped together in 90 minutes. I just think my time would be better spent preparing for my Finance Exam tomorrow. But I’m missing Finance tonight anyway (The exam is tonight, and I hardly think I would be able to take an exam after a long day of classes, let alone at night, let alone finance), to take the test Thursday so I can have more time on it. So I guess I can tolerate Leadership if I’m missing my other three hour class.

Next blog topic (hopefully): “Sometimes I feel like sitting in class is getting in the way of my studies.”

Hasta.

Things Not Working and Apple Pie's Unwelcoming

Augh, I've been trying for about an hour or so to send two attachments of photos to the school paper and have been unsuccessful. It's incredibly frustrating. Just work. You know? Before I went to the library I tried to open my e-mail and the Student Web Portal and it was the only thing that wouldn't load. Just work! It shouldn't be that hard. I'm just frustrated. The map still isn't sticking, I have other things I know I should be doing, and other general things that are far too complicated:

The school's student run cafe, Apple Pie Bakery, has raised its prices again. We heard through a professor that this was due to "Making too much of a profit. They want to clear out the students to have more space for customers." This made me just a little....miffed to put it nicely.

I would estimate that 95% the students who work there in the back don't get paid. They pay to take the class. This is not counting TA's. The majority of the students in the front who are servers do not get paid, and the student workers don't get overtime and many aren't even supposed to be going overtime....But that's not the point. My argument is that if you factor in the cost of the class that covers food cost, in addition to not paying the majority of your workers buffers the cost of inflation and rising food costs. The price increase is a little extreme, about .50 cents per item or higher.

The point is not about the prices. I repeat this is not about the prices. This is about students having a right to go to their student run cafe. We have a right to be students. Everything here is so much about the tourists, the customers, guests, and so much less about what the student's needs.

It makes me angry to think that the Apple Pie, where servers, cashiers, bakers and cooks are students. I only know of a few cashiers who are not students. We have a right to go into a bakery run by our peers and have a meal, a cookie, a cup of coffee. To purposefully raise prices to clear out students is horrible.

I'm ready for a change. I'm geared up to start something! I believe we can change things if we do it properly. I'm not about to scream profanities and write nasty letters to the Bakery. NO! You have to do it right if you want to change things: raise awareness, circulate petitions, protest, write PROFESSIONAL letters. I believe in change.

I had created a note on Facebook, spreading the word about joining forces with myself and my friends. My friends are with me, ready to work fight for a change. We deserve to be students first.
There has been some resistance and ignorance, however, about "Market Economy", prices, and other silly things. They are missing the point, and it makes me angry. This isn't about money, it is about getting treated like students. If you don't agree with me, don't post. Don't go out of your way to shoot me down and laugh at me when you don't understand. I'm in my 9th term, and have been here for a while. I know how things are. But I'm just irritated at how people think. I honestly think we can change things. This isn't about paying 2.25 for a muffin, it is about respect for those who work so hard. I don't think it's fair to pay such high prices for no good reason. Being told the price increases (from a Professor, I must stress again) is because they don't want us there is absolutely unacceptable. I have more of a right, as a student, to buy a pizza, or tea, or anything I'd like as the customers do. I live here, pay good money to gain an education here, I've put so much time and effort and work into my education. So why am I not so welcome at the school bakery?

I don't know. I just know we deserve better. I'm in mt 9th term and therefore am OBLIGATED to help my underclassmen. It's my duty to help them, speak up and fight for them. I feel like they need an advocate. There isn't anyone else here to help us, really.

It just takes ONE person to speak up.

470 Words

I have no idea why I’m so drowsy and uneasy today. I think I’m just nervous about my Asia exam. I just realized I have to do TWO 300 word essays. It really, really isn’t much, but when you can sum up the essay in a sentence or two, there’s a problem. The thing is, two of my professors are more concerned with substance than with length, so for this teacher to demand we extend and use fillers is a little ridiculous. Who are we kidding? They know we use fillers, we know we use fillers. So why not just cut that out and let us type what we like. I have 110 words before this sentence. This is about how long it will take me to sum up the essays. Shoot. I’m so screwed. I sincerely doubt she’s going to be making it easy for us- it will most likely be the two essays that required the most reading retention. The map is what will most likely kill me. I need to sit down and really, really look at it. But none of it is sinking in. I had little problem with the E.U map, it was easier to make up little groups and abbreviations and tricks. Asia seems to like to wedge tiny countries in-between the big ones; like Nepal and Bangladesh. The majority of these maps make it very difficult to tell which country is where in a cluster. Others, it’s hard to tell what is a country name and what is a city. The good news is I only need to know India to Japan to Indonesia. The bad news is I’ll need to know the map from Yemen, to all the Stans, to Japan, to Indonesia at some point. Funny thing is, I think the Europe map had more to worry about, with more tiny countries. And I needed to know what year each country was admitted into the E.U. And this is more difficult?! Come on.

I’m getting really distracted, but I just typed up the notes to memorize them for the essays, I’m probably going to head home soon in the frigid temperatures to look over the map, but I suppose I could do it here at the library. It’s dead quiet over here, you’d think people would be here getting work done…because they put it off all weekend by doing other things. I caught up as much as I could Thursday and Friday, because I knew come Saturday and Sunday I probably wouldn’t get much done, and I didn’t. But these exams are priority anyway. Once they’re over I can focus on everything due next week.

Guess it’s time to study the map….like I’ll be able to recall it tomorrow. 470 words. Wonder if I can do this well with the essays.

Water

Well, I asked my boyfriend what I should write about, and so I am. Water. People need to drink more of it. You're supposed to take your body weight, divide it by half, and that is how many ounces you should be getting, so 137/2= approx 68 ounces. Damn, the dance is coming up next week! Time to cut out all junk for REAL this time so I look good in the dress. Lots of water, tea....this topic is ridiculous and whimmy. It's 11 at night, and I'm just doing this to pass a minute or two, so don't expect gold.
People really don't drink enough water. I see kids in class and at meal times with coffee, three glasses of sugar-laden "juice", bottles of soda at 8am..... People don't get that so many of the calories they drink is from liquids. I try to drink water, tea and lowfat milk...diet soda isn't even good for you. How hard is it to drink water? Don't get me STARTED on water bottles....the ones you buy in 24 packs, what a waste! Buy ONE and refill it! Recycle it. It's so bad for the environment. I re-use the few soda bottles I own, as well as regular sport's water bottles. Now companies make drinking water so simple for picky people who just HAVE to always have flavor with everything...but at least it's something. I just think people should realize how good they have it. We're lucky to have CLEAN water, let alone fake flavored water.

Before this goes from a water post to a "Why America is a spoiled and under-appreciative society" post....I should wind this down. Long story short, water is one of the easiest things you can do for your body. Cheap, clean....hydrating....Necessary....

Studying

I'm trying to study for an Asias' Exam. But I'm finding it difficult. So I'm moving away from that for a moment to type. I don't have school Monday, so I'm working on my two upcoming exams. Even though Monday is Martin Luther King jr day, I really and honestly think if it weren't for the start of a new block and a Address of the School from the school president, we wouldn't have the day off. But no complaints from me. I'll have Monday, Tuesday afternoon and Thursday- Friday to get all my work done.
I can't work on anything but exams this week. Priorities! I can't focus on anything else. I don't really know what else to say. I'm a little blah-ish today. Not unhappy or anything, just a little bit out of it. I think I want to get this week out of the way so I can work on other things.

Yesterday I did no work and it felt kinda good. I had two good friends come over, we made tacos, brownie sundaes, played Star Wars Monopoly, it was nice to breathe and know it's okay to take time with friends; every second doesn't need to be devoted to catching up. As nice as catching up is, what am I saving it for? I catch up so I can hang out and do things I want to do. So it was such a nice break. I forgot how much I enjoyed having little dinner parties. The food was great and so was the company.

I really think I'm having a good term, but this week's exams will show me for sure.

My Finance Teacher is a Liar: Writings from my notebook

6:38- I was so spoiled today. I didn't have my AM class, I slept in till 9, I got out of my Leadership and Spanish class early and I was able to eat two times today! I'm so spoiled. Now I'm sitting in Finance, waiting for the professor- who just arrived.

6:40- Suppressing urge that I'm going crazy.

6:45- What is up with these word problems in the book? The company names are so lame it's exasperating; "Billy Chrystal Stores Inc", Polly Esther Dress Shop", "Jodie Foster Care Homes"? It's more annoying than lame.

7:50- Guess I'm getting through this. I'm not going crazy yet. My professor told us we'd probably be out on or before 8:30 tonight, but I think that means 9, so we'll see. I figured out a new countdown practice. I start my calculator at 120, and take away minutes by the 5s or 10s. I start at 120, because it's when I start to loose it, and 180 just seems too discouraging. I don't know why I do it. When I look at the clock I know how much time is left, but I guess seeing the minutes makes it more manageable, like a coping method. Maybe it's some mild OCD, ADD or some other combination of initials.

8:50- My Professor is a liar. We've been spending the last 45+minutes on a problem that has nothing to do with the exam next week. Someone just pointed out the chart that was passed out had an error on it, which makes me want to blurt out: "WHO CARES!? It's a FAKE company, with FAKE numbers and a formula that has NOTHING to do with the exam!" Honestly. Who cares if there's an error, which, by the way, turned out not to be an error, so we just spent an EXTRA ten minutes on something useless. Finally, he's passing out the exam guidelines. Perhaps I'll be out before 9:10.

My Finance Teacher is a liar, but still a good guy anyway.

Writings From my Accounting Notebook, Part Two

Taken from my accounting notebook. Written 12/18/2007. Found it more or less worthwhile enough to type it here.

My hair is shedding. If I were one to symbolize, I would say I need to shed parts of my life. That can be hard to do. Sometimes things leech onto you: habits, jobs, attitudes, “friends”, people. They suck your energy and the life out of you, leaving you with stress, anger and frustration.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. I’m learning to shed stuff from my life. I’m better off. I want to be a good, ethical, honest person. (Honesty I ought to tone back on, I’ve become too blunt). I can’t do that by being a hypocrite and dishonest with myself.

I’m 22. I’m too old for petty people, stuck on the silliest stuff, and superfluous melodrama. It’s TOXIC. It makes me MISERABLE. I graduated high school 3 years ago. I’m a little old for its drama. I think I’m handling my 9th term very well so far, minus the stress that comes from school. To borrow and change a line from “As Good As It Gets”, “Sell stress someplace else, we're all stocked up here.” Indeed. Sorry (but not really), if you plan on adding unnecessary angst, I am not taking it. Are you a leech? I hope not.

I’m always right- just not this time.

“Remember: I’m always right, even when I’m wrong, I’m still right.” One of my favorite lines in the movie “Meet The Robinsons”. It made me crack up, because I say that to my boyfriend all the time. I’m always right- to which he responds “You aren’t always right, you just have a high percentage.” It’s not so much always being right as it is needing to be right. That’s such a boosting feeling, at least for the ego. The worst thing about correctness is when you swear up and down- argue even, how right you are, only to find out you are wrong. On one hyper Saturday night this past weekend, I was listening to my ipod, singing and dancing to most of the songs- mostly to annoy my boyfriend, but mostly because I wanted to. A favorite song of mine “Virtual Insanity” by Jamiroquai I perked up and made him get off the computer, because the video for it is possibly the coolest one I have ever seen.
We were arguing about how the video was done. I was convinced the floors were moving and being pushed around. Of course, I felt this was right, because I’d seen this video long before he had, way back in the 90’s, and times like these when you have a seniority like situation, you feel you’re right, simply because you saw it first. He, however, was sure it was the walls moving, a thought I couldn’t fathom.

When someone tells me I’m wrong, even over tiny things, I tend to get quickly temperamental and “impassioned”. I hate being told I’m wrong, especially when it’s over something I’m so sure is right. It makes me cranky. I became irritated at him, whipping around in my chair and telling him –exactly- how sure I was that the –floor- was being moved. I paused the video, and set out on Google, determined to prove him wrong. When I found a source that didn’t look like a message board bickering over the same thing, I stopped talking, and wondered “How the hell am I going to dig myself out of this one?” He –was- right. Don’t you hate that? I laughed, and turned around and got up out of my chair and looked at him, laughing mostly at my foolishness. “Okay, this one time, -you- are right! Just this once.” When I’m wrong, I admit it….most of the time. There was really no way to get out of it otherwise.

There’s the phrase that many women toss around their significant others: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” Ralphie May, a stand up comic, had a very entertaining set on this subject. Why do women have such a need to be right? I think we’re trying to prove something. Thousands of years of female repression in our genes. We all say we’re stubborn- male and female. But we say it like it’s so unusual. I haven’t met many people who will say “Yeah, I’m repressive. I’ll agree with what you say. Walk all over me.” Or give off that vibe. We’re all stubborn people wanting to be right. My boyfriend isn’t as bad as I am. Some people care less about being right than others.

I take being wrong personally, as if it reflects badly on myself.

What’s so great about being right? One minute of forgotten “glory”? I should remind myself of that. Being right only buys you a few seconds of easily forgettable rightness. So, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

Lethargic

I've been so bad this weekend. Monday-Thursday I got a ton of work done. Friday to now I've been horrifically lazy. Today I was lethargic and didn't venture out of my room much. I have no excuse. I was ready to go to bed at 8:30. It's pathetic. I'm writing only so I'll feel like I did something other than cooking, mild cleaning and annoying my boyfriend- Who happens to be annoying me right now and , as I typed that asked me if I was typing about him.
Productivity throughout the day is important to me. I don't really like "taking a day off" or "doing nothing". But somehow it happens. I get distracted by taking off 20 minutes to chill out, but an hour or two later, I'll still doing nothing. That happened Friday. I was trying to plow through the bulk of my paper, but found it so difficult I ended up doing sporadic research. Ugh! I hate being lazy and lethargic and unmotivated. I like to type and think and get things done. Only then do I like to take time off and be a little lazy. When I have unfinished things to do, I feel like I should be doing them. Putting things off isn't something I normally like to do.

My boyfriend is annoying me again. Playing with a headband to make noise. We were both incredibly lazy. He didn't come over till after ten and we made an early lunch, but we chilled out most of the day. Which is usually fine. One day of the weekend is reserved for lazy and the other I work. But I've been less than productive lately. But there's always next week. Another crazy week. Another hateful Wednesday and before I know it, it'll be a working Thursday.

I guess the only advice I can give on the subject is to just get things done. Putting things off just feels worse and worse with each day it's put off. Getting it done ahead of time is sometimes the bets thing to do....Which reminds me I need to print out my Ethics homework.

Happy Monday Eve!

Writings from my Accounting Notebook

I hate Wednesdays. It’s the hardest day of the week. I’m in class all day, and then have Finance for three hours. It sucks. The day itself isn’t bad. I’m perfectly capable to handle classes from 8am-6:15 pm without a problem. That’s not what’s wrong with the day. It’s Finance. I have to go minute by minute to survive. I tick time off every time I think a minute goes by. I try to pay attention, but my mind drifts to writing, or musical numbers. I’m usually okay until a quarter to eight. Then I slowly begin to crack. But it’s for many reasons:
1) I’ve been in class all day
2) I usually don’t have much time to grab a meal, let alone eat one (but I’ve managed to work around that pretty well, so it doesn’t fully count)
3) I’ve taken my Concerta around 7:15 that morning, so by 7:45 after a day of constant classes, it’s safe to assume I’m running on “Concerta fumes”, and have the holding it together capabilities of a child.
4) It’s a THREE hour class at 6:30 at night! It’s cruel to assume that a student (the majority of whom has been in class since the morning) can sit in a math class, at night for three hours and expect active learning and listening.
5) My professor is a liar and a tease. Somewhere between 8:30 and 9, he says “Okay guys, 15 more minutes” (or ten, or five) and we relax, thinking it’s the home stretch and we might just make it. Five, ten, fifteen minutes goes by and he segues into something new. Or he starts to sound like class is winding down; “Okay, so this is what to expect on the test next week.” In a tone of voice that’s wrapping it up. But no, he continues on to a slowly dying class. Last week, it was about 9pm, I was going out of my mind. Trying desperately to hold it together, preserving my sanity by writing. He begins to sound like class is just about over, but he hands out forms, tax forms to be exact- oddly similar to the ones we looked at the last class….and painstakingly went over each little point. Augh! The he takes attendance. My friends who already took that class promised me class almost never went past 9pm. I never let myself think that, because if I do, it’ll never happen. It hasn’t happened yet. Not even on the first day.
I’m incapable of learning math. My mind focuses on the wrong things. I can’t follow the trains of thought since my mind already thinks in such different patterns anyway.
I’ll pass if it kills me. I’m graduating on time. I’m not going to suffer through another math class.
I’m in accounting right now, it’s Thursday and I find that after a grueling day such as Wednesday, 90 minutes of accounting is bliss. Not like I get what’s going on, but it’s terribly better to sit through, even with a class as rude and disrespectful as mine.

Saturday Classes.

Today is the school's yearly Saturday class. We have to make up a day for one we missed during break. My term is making up a Monday class, but my Spanish professor didn't want to come in, and Restaurant Ops decided to show a movie. I'm not coming into class (at 8am, no less) to watch some crap movie about a rat working in a French restaurant. All I have today is Ethics, and I'm going to go to that, since I was in my room pretty much the entire morning and day....and night. I'm embarrassed. I got the bulk if not all of my work done on Tuesday and Thursday, so by6 Friday I had little to work on. I should have gone to the gym, but the rain was discouraging. Even after it stopped raining. I'll work more today. I've been feeling so lazy lately. I ought to go to the gym Sunday and next week. I don't want to be a sloth. I don't want to turn into that senior who doesn't do much more than the bare minimum.
Saturday classes, at least this one, isn't so bad. The one class I have to go to isn't horrible, and I'll get to have dinner instead of wondering what to cook. It'll be nice to get out of my room and get work done in the BPS lab where the distractions will be smaller.
A lot of people aren't happy about the Saturday class, but I see it as getting lunch and dinner on a Saturday. Getting out of my room on a Saturday. Last year I think my Saturday class fell on a day where I didn't have classes....and I don't remember a Saturday class during my AOS.

Man, this paper is hard!! I have so much information to write about. I need to go over what is probably going to be roughly 20 years of my life in a few paragraphs. Also I must go over my externship, which wont be easy. I thought I could knock this out in two or three weeks, but it will probably happen over a month or two. I'll work it out. I'll get it done....Keep telling yourself that Jenn. That looks weird to me. Talking to myself. I ought to update all my blogs. I have almost half a dozen things written in my notebook that I keep meaning to put in here. But my paper has to come first. I need to be positive and optimistic as always.
Anyway, time to get ready for class.

Food Writing and other worries.

I think I'm getting myself into a difficult career. Food writing? What have I gotten myself into? I love to write, and it seems so hard to break into it. The career services at school couldn't even help me. That's pretty bad. When the career service center at school tells you that they can't do more than tell you to do lots of freelance, there's a red flag.

But I don't really think I want to do anything else. I'd love to be in a food magazine. Recipe testing would be lots of fun, and give me an edge over other freelance applicants who want to publish in that magazine, it would be a more steady job and give me something fun to do.

I can't work at a bakery. I don't think I can handle that again. My poor hand muscles are enough to not be able to pipe, ice, or cut. And you wonder how I'm still here. I don't know. I really love what I do, but all of those problems has shattered my confidence. I can make things taste great, but looking great is another thing altogether, which makes me think recipe testing may be the way to go; I have the training to obsessively measure to the last gram like they want, but have the knife and piping skills equal to a home cook. I really think it's the way to go. Recipe testing while moonlighting as a food writer. I can bake all day without being in a bakery at 3 am. Early hours aren't the issue. I love early mornings. It's the lifestyle. I see what it does to people. I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, and I wouldn't like to start. Burn-out rates, divorce rates are huge in my industry. I want to do what I love, but not at the expense of my health and life.

I'll get there. Some great job at a magazine. I worry about the future and about money way too much. How I'm going to repay loans and payments is beyond me.

I need to get some work done. I've been sitting here all day, researching various things, trying to get motivated enough to buckle down and focus. This independent study paper is brutal. Theres' so much for me to do and I have no idea how to go about or even begin getting around and through it. There's just so much to talk about and say about the subject that it seems like I can never say enough of it. I'm being so lazy. I hate it. I got so much done on Tuesday and Thursday. I don't have my Spanish book, so I can't get that done...and that's about all I can do for the moment. Asias reading has to be done on Monday so I can remember it come Tuesday, every other class there isn't much...Finance....bah...damn. I should do that this weekend. I loathe Finance for various reasons.

Time to focus. If I can.

Extra work, extra credit, extra money

Did you know Independent study courses were extra if you went beyond the amount of standard credits? I didn’t. I’m taking an extra course, extra credits, because I want to. Well, I guess I should pay for it if I want the extra credits, but it’s extra work and I’m paying for it? If I needed to fill my credits quota and I took this, it wouldn’t cost anything extra….oh well…the way I think about it is Med students are drowning in tens of thousands of loans and debts, and I’ll be banking in at probably half that….so what’s another 2300 for my career? It’ll look pretty great on a transcript, and I adore the professor who will be supervising me. It’s really going to be worth the extra work. I’m looking forward to doing it. Time management is a lot easier when you actually have things you need to manage. Last term I was so lucky with class times and teachers that time management was almost non-existent: got up early, went to the gym/get work done, go to lunch, go to class(es), go home, get work done, go to dinner, night to do what I wanted. I had plenty of gaps in my day to fill. Now I’m catching up all the time. But I got a lot of work done yesterday….that reminds me….I need to do an Ethics assignment….. Now I have an hour to kill before grabbing lunch, getting stuff done in my room till Leadership and the fun will really begin: Leadership 1-4 Spanish 5:15-6:15, Finance 6:30-9:30. Man….if I don’t think about it, I’ll be okay. I was out of Restaurant Ops an hour early today, so that helps.

Extra credit…..it sounds great. I can’t wait to take it on. What it’s going to be about is mildly complicated and very personal. I had a very bad extern experience and I’m going to be talking about that with a focus on my disabilities and neurological condition being a part of that. Damn…still need to do that NF post…but that’s an investment I still don’t have time for. I’m going to hopefully be talking to students with NF that I know and other disabilities in general and how it affects them. It should be an interesting project. I was worried Independent studies were a largely invested thing with Deans and such reading your work to make sure you’re doing it, but it doesn’t seem to be like that.

I don’t know what to expect from a career in writing. I’ll be doing what I love to do and need to keep up on things and news and always be learning and researching. I just don’t know what kind of life it will be, but it will be fun to find out. I can’t help but think about money, but as long as I’m doing something I really enjoy and keeps me engaged and active, who really cares as long as I can keep myself alive with it, and there’s always a second job. I’m not expecting to graduate here with some amazing job at a magazine…you need to start off small, just like in a restaurant…you have to work your way up. I don’t mind working my way up, it’s how I’m going to learn. I’d be uneasy if I’m thrown into this fantastic, high paying job at a magazine somewhere.
I’m going to need to talk to the school’s career office soon. I don’t know what they have for me, because the portal of jobs that’s set up has nothing, NOTHING for the writer. Career fairs are just as bad and equally annoying. Nothing for the food writer. I think they are a little behind on the track of the food industry, Utilitarism rules, right?

Snowballing

I was in Ethics today, hoping we would get out soon enough that I may make it to the registrar’s office before it closed. I was thinking about what I had to get done tonight and Tuesday and it kept piling up and up….a paper to finish, three separate readings to finish, an article, start my outlining my independent study paper, register for my independent study, ethics homework, accounting quiz…Aaaaagh!! It came slowly, then the thoughts came quicker has everything added up….I haven’t even been badly procrastinating. Last Thursday, Friday and Sunday was spent getting caught up….and I’m still not….but I suppose writer’s block is to blame, I’ve been stuck on my Chef Robert Irvine article since last week…I don’t mind taking on all this work….I’m in my 9th term and should do all this work, get the most out of my last few months here. Oh yeah, and I still need to blog more! How can I expect to write everyday for a career if I can’t manage every day for the hell of it?

Most of all, the pressure is on for my grades. I got all As last term (!!!!) so now the heat is on to make excellent grades again. I can foresee my grades now- I’m going to pass finance and accounting, which is the best I can hope for….unfortunately (or fortunately, as you see it), while I’m maintaining nice grades in accounting, I’m really not learning a damn thing…..and the teacher is good…I just hear accounting being taught and my mind stops. I can’t understand why you do things a certain way or why things are inputted the way they are or why it is the way it is. I just don’t understand it. I’m only doing really well because the project where we needed to plug in numbers, and the quiz I studied for and strained to take what I learned in my other accounting class and managed to do well.
I’m not even going to touch finance in this blog….three hours…Three! Of…agh…..tedious lecture. But at least my professor, both Accounting and finance, understand this isn’t our career path and just expect us to glean a basic knowledge of their subjects.
I’m doing fine though, I kind of like this pressure and stress. Makes you feel alive, actually doing something in school.

The rest of my classes I think I’ll do great in…Ethics, Leadership, Restaurant Operations, and my Independent study will gain great grades if I put the work into it. Spanish, accounting and finance will be fine too, high Cs to Bs, but it will take extra hard work.

Rattling my fingers

I've been trying to work on a paper and an article all afternoon...for the past three hours or so, and I'm not much farther than I am when I started. The article is difficult, I haven't been really procrastinating, just struggling with making the article perfect. So I'm rattling my fingers on the keyboard, so I can feel like I got another thing done today. List of things done today 1) Began reading for a paper 2) Starting the paper 3) Getting interview questions for that paper 4) Starting an article for the next issue of the school paper 5) Starting some Leadership homework.

I guess that's something. I have a bit more to finish tomarrow, but right now I'm in the fog that comes from looking at a computer screen all day...but for once it hasn't been for silly reasons! I'm proud of myself. I actually did stuff today! Hopefully I can get more done Friday, when I have all day long to complete work.

Time to be a little vain. I started wearing makeup this week and what a difference a little makeup makes! Wow. I used to be so against wearing makeup, not wanting to conform to what society dictates what I must wear, weigh, and look, but this isn't so bad at all! Anyway, I just like it.

I'm really struggling with this article. My editor (for the school paper) asked me to attend a Robert Irvine book panel discussion, and write a short peice about it. But my boyfriend pushed me to actually go up and speak to the Exec Producer of Irvine's Show "Dinner: Impossible" I did and had a wonderful chat with Mr. O'Reilly, and was able to speak to Chef Irvine the next day for a minute. Literally a minute. But it was amazing! I was so nervous and shy about it! But he was so nice, friendly and down to earth. I like to think if he had more time he'd have sat down with me to chat. So this article is hard, I have so much information but have no idea how to put it into an article.
It was such a great experience though! It was so so cool....I talked to these people! I had a great time. What great guys. I'm going to try and send them a copy of the article with a thank you letter, so there's extra pressure to make the article extra good. I'll try and post the article after I have written it. :)

Dinner:Impossible is a great show, by the way, if you don't already know. Chef Robert Irvine is an incredibly talented and passionate chef.

Obligatory New Year Post

Obligatory. I love that word. I don't know what to say. This feels like the run of the mill New Year post. Things about changing yourself, be a better person, a new year! Right? Riiight. That lasts till about the second week of January, Valentine's Day, if you're lucky.

No, this year I'm going to try and better myself: read more, control my temper, little things. But it's hard to actively participate in these Resolutions all year long. You forget. It creeps back, prodding you when you're in a work or school fog. A sudden memory: “Oh! I was going to loose weight this year!” you think, mid-bite to a donut. Opps. For as long as I've been aware of what a resolution is, I've promised to stop biting my nails. Ha. I've been trying to stop that for....as long as I've been aware it's bad to bite them. I've sort of given up. Oh well. I don't like manicures or people touching my feet anyway.

I had an idea for a Resolution article for the paper, called “Hold the Ketchup.” that I may write. I use too much ketchup....and it's pretty bad for you sugar wise. So I may cut back....it sounds like I'm trying to cut back on cigarettes...”Yeah, I'm down to two bottles a day.” That made me laugh. Thoughts about Ketchup detox and shivering under blankets. I'm not that bad. As bad as I used to be growing up.

It'd be snobby of me to say I dont want to change myself. I do. But New Years shouldn't be the time to do so. It should be all year. When you catch yourself doing something you know you shouldn't. I'm pretty happy being who I am. There are things I can and should work on, and that's enough for me. I don't have a strong desire to loose weight, I don't have any bad vices, it'd be great to work out a little more, but that's most of America.

Blog. I'd like to blog more! There we go. I need to write more. I'll try that...we'll see how long that lasts. I feel like such a nerd. Nothing I say is as good as what other people say. How can I make my writing good enough? I want to be better. But I don't know how. My writing is never good enough for me. There's always a better word, better sentence or structure. I agonize over everything. When I write papers for school, it comes to a point where I just can't look at it anymore. This blog is my free thought. My relaxed style. This blog may not be perfect, but I try to make it a little better each time. I know in the morning I'll open this and franticly edit a sentence, word or grammar I somehow overlooked.

I'm looking at old things I've written. Articles that didn't make it into the school paper. I must say these articles are badly in need of polish, even the ones that did get in. That's alright. I've come a long way.

I'm horrible at ending blogs. How is it done? I'm crap at endings in general, always somehow falling into a positive message. I think, just this once, a cheesy ending is needed, especially for a New Years post: even little things can be a big improvement. You're human! We screw up, it happens, don't let it stop you. I know not many people read my blog, but I'm okay with that, thank you again to those who stick it out with me. You are few, but appreciated.

If nothing else, this year show more kindness. A little appreciation goes a long way and it costs nothing to say “Thank you.” Once you get into that habit, it will be hard to break!

To health and happiness!